I have always been a lover of cake and all things sweet, it makes me feel better when I’m sad it makes a great day even better! I have, all my life rewarded myself with a sweet treat when I have been extra amazing and drowned my sorrows in a double chocolate chip muffin when I have had the worst day. It’s safe to say my relationship with food is one of an unhealthy love bordering on obsession with a definite emotional attachment and the relationship with my body in return is that of a love and hate tug of war at times, with some breaks of cease fire and calmness, oh but then a remark is made a dress doesn’t fit a bad picture is posted to Facebook and the whole rigmarole starts again. Being a professional dancer this has never worked in my favour, the fight to do what I wanted to do for a living has always been very real.
I have been told I am too fat to be a performer in so many ways by so many people it’s unbelievable. Luckily I am the most optimistic fat dancer you could meet and that is what has seen me through to this point and hopefully beyond. I have been denied many opportunities because of my weight and even more so because of my self consciousness that my body is not worthy of those opportunities.
Since I decided to make a leap of faith with my career leaving my safety job in a shop and going full time as a performer and creative, coupled with my ongoing ageing which I am still getting used to, I have decided to use this huge part of my life as an opportunity for discovery and hopefully some art. I want to study the relationships people have with their bodies particularly women.
I want to know why I am like this, when did it start? why did it start? why can’t I dance as a fat girl? Would people want to see a size 16 girl dance? Why should I wear spanx? Why are some girls more than half my size and twice my beauty even less confident in their own skin? Why do people want the perfect skin colour by tanning or bleaching or whatever other methods there may be? Why shouldn’t I have hairy legs or armpits or god forbid a hairy Mary? Why do I need long hair on my head but not on my big toe? What is a beach body? Can I model clothes even if I have a spare tyre (or two)? Why are there such strict rules on what a woman can do with her body? Why do women judge other women so harshly? Why do people think it is their business to tell other people they do not look ‘right’? Why do we have columns in magazines and TV programmes specifically to tell people how bad they look and that they need to change? Why are female prime ministers legs spoken about on the front pages of tabloid newspapers rather than their politics?
I want to know it all and more. So I am embarking on this year of self discovery as well as hopefully learning a lot about my fellow humans and how we are obsessed with our outer form and the relationship with our inner being and how we can bring balance and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not what we want to be, who we want to be like or what other people think we should be like. Simply for the form both inside and outside that we take at this very moment in time.
So I’m going to finish off by saying I want to talk, If you have issues I want to talk if you don’t have any issues at all I want to talk. I want to hear from people who have answers to any of these questions or questions to pose of their own! It’s all in aid of what is to be hopefully an art piece based around movement and dance to begin with but who knows where it will go!
You can comment below with anything you feel you want to share or alternitavely, you can send me an email at email@example.com or send me a message via my facebook page.
Looking forward to talking! Hildy x
So good to get back to this blog!
Let’s catch up!
As of November 2016 I have been a fully self employed performer/ all round creative person which has so far been the most scary and satisfying experience.
I previously worked a 24hr a week job alongside all of my commitments as a performer, teacher and choreographer but it was making me desperately miserable and I needed to get out.
I spoke to my boyfriend on many occasions about the possibility of going back to university or other opportunities which he was happy to support me with and so I decided to say ‘Fudge it! I am going to do it’ (or words to that effect) I handed my notice in and began my life as a free woman. Which after dreaming about it since I started working at the age of 16 seems like forever.
(photo credit to Ben Martin)
In the past 5 months I have done everything from clowning to starring in a horror film (which may be the same thing for some) I feel like I have come so far learning about myself aas I go along.
I am now officially a cabaret performer with one act under my belt and another in production.
(photo credit to Martin.J. Baty)
I can’t wait to see what comes next, a part of what comes next will be this blog. I want to use this as a platform to connect with other performers and give an incite to those who are interested in the life, pleasures and interests of a girl like me trying to make it in the performance industry, as a not so springing chicken (I’m now 28), curvy size 16. I know it’s going to be tough but I can’t help but be positive because I know how much I want it.
Thanks for joining me for this journey!
More coming soon…….
Hi everyone well sad times last week! It was my last week of vintage-fit before Xmas. I’m so proud of the girls who have been coming to class some for a year now! They have come on leaps and bounds and put up with my scatty-ness and I love them for if!!!
I’m also getting ready to settle into my new flat just a bit more DIY to do. My new base camp will be Gateshead so I’m trying to make some new contacts in the area so please do get in touch if you have any interest in what I do and your from my new area.
As well as that I got onto the chorus of Sweeney Todd which I am over the moon about I have no specific character but am hoping to use it as a learning experience (and the chorus which is huge and sounds amazing).
I also taught at Newcastle Does Vintage last Saturday which was super fun, some familiar faces as well as some lovely new ones two and a bit of bonding over jazz with Dan Arnold and Janet Style the fab duo perform on the stage next to me!
Well lots of stretching and preparation to do so I better get on!
Some stretching tips coming soon as well as some xmas party dance tips.
this week I have had a bit of an experience which I am sure a lot of other vintage or people with a strong and obvious style will probably have come across or been subject to at some point in there lives. And to be honest I get this quite a lot, but this week it just really got to me!
I got on the metro in my 1950’s polka dot dress with a rather large flower in my rather large up doo! I sat down and was struck by a man and woman (may I say at this point weren’t the best lookers in the world either and must have been in their 40’s old enough to know better) who on me sitting down immediately looked me up and down and began to chat amongst themselves which often happens so I gave them a small grimace and that was that. Then however they proceeded to giggle and quite clearly talk about me as I began to innocently fiddle in my bag with make-up, as I was on my way to model for the wonderful Bernadette Koranteng and her artists. After this the woman got her camera phone out of her bag and actually took a picture of me (her phone made the shutter sound which she obviously was not counting on as she didn’t know what to do when I caught her), which I felt to be a complete invasion of my privacy and really infuriated me! I shot her a look that immediately gave the impression that I may dress like a lady but I may not behave like one if she continued to be so rude. She then loudly started to try and defend herself like it was an accident etc.
Anyway the fact is no matter how much you think you don’t care what other people think, some ignorant and hurtful person doing something like that at the wrong time can really get to a girl!
So the moral of the story is if you see a lady or gentleman dressed in away that you may deem different, weird, strange, unusual etc think before you act! You do not know them and should never judge someone for being different. Fair enough you might need to have a little look and that is fine and a normal human instinct however instead of laughing or looking them up and down simply smile and look away. Think how you would feel if that was you being openly mocked in public?
Not everyone is the same thank goodness! Variety is the spice of life, embrace creativity and unique style and admire those brave enough to be themselves no matter how outrageous!
Ok so finally now I have that off my chest here is a picture from the day in question
After the not so pleasant experience however Bernadette and her group made me feel and look like a million dollars! So a HUGE thanks to them 🙂
I will be back soon, hopefully on a much more positive note.
Hi guys and dolls,
well not a huge amount has happened on the performance and teaching side this week just some quite boring behind the scenes stuff which I shan’t bother you with!
However in other parts of my life there has been HUGE changes!
My boyfriend and I are in the process of purchasing our first home together and I have had to change jobs to be nearer to where we will be living. So I have had to leave behind all of my lovely friends in the Jarrow shop where I worked for a year and seven months which was sad, I didn’t really want to go!
They bought me these lovely flowers as well as some stationary (which I am obsessed with), some bubbly which will not stay un-corked for much longer and a very generous amazon gift card!! Could a girl ask for anything more??
Also in the coming week I will again be sitting for the lovely Bernadette Koranteng and her group of artists, here is a little picture she sent me of myself posing rather straigh faced :-p
Well until next time! Hildy xx
Hi guys and dolls,
I have had a wonderful time in the past couple of weeks doing a little bit of everything from teaching Vintage-fit every Monday, performing in Stockton’s Café Infinity for the lovely Heartisan events and sitting for the wonderful Bernadette Koranteng and her artists. The pictures that they created where beautiful I couldn’t believe their inspiration was little old me!
And at the fabulous Café Infinity I performed for the evening with a lovely view of the river Tees and The Endeavour Ship as my backdrop. I was made to feel so welcome by the staff and can’t wait to take them up on the offer to visit again!
So as usual here are a couple of photo’s from my week, enjoy HH x
Hi peeps, Just the first of a couple pictures from the weekend.
I did a few sets at Lou Lou’s vintage fair at Newcastle civic centre on Saturday afternoon. There where some lovely vintage buys to be had, as well as a nice tea room. My set went down very well indeed 🙂 Here is a little snap of me and Mike the Mic. HH xx
Good afternoon peeps!
Well a lovely birthday week ended in the most fabulous way possible!
A gig for an afternoon tea event in aid of Cancer Connections, such a worthy cause!
And a great audience with some very lovely feedback!
Then a trip to see the fabulous Vintage Trouble and Paloma Faith play live in Newcastle,
and as if that isn’t enough, we met Vintage Trouble after their set!!
I also got a huge compliment on my outfit, I am now swooning over the very suave Ty Taylor!
Feeling so inspired after this gig! I just know my rehearsal on Wednesday with the boys (The Harmonaires) will be brilliant after watching these guys perform!
See you soon peeps HH xx