Finding my body beautiful.

By Hildy Harland

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I have struggled my whole life with how I look. I have always had issues with my weight, my face, size of my head, how much body hair I sprout, having an uneven upper lip, having skin tags, dark skin pigmentation and so much more. I have spent years letting these imperfections and insecurities keep me down, but recently I have become more aware that in not embracing what I am naturally, I am holding myself back. This is MY body and I am responsible for it and the way I feel about it, so I made the conscious decision to stop hating it and decided to try and love it instead. I’m not saying I always feel great about myself because I definitely don’t but allowing myself to accept my imperfections and embrace them as a part of who I am, has honestly changed my life.

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I feel like I have been on this quest for so long, I tried to change myself so many times to  fit in with what the world sees as general beauty. As a performer and in particular a dancer, society tells me I should be thin and traditionally good looking, often tanned skin and definitely make up clad and I shouldn’t have body hair (or much of it at least). With these standards set for us how are we ever supposed to just enjoy what we are and be who we are? It’s difficult to override the standards and expectations that have been imposed on us by society and start to enjoy and appreciate our bodies for what they are. There is always a bit of a backlash to people being “proud” of certain aspects of their body, so let me be clear that I am not talking of pride in appearance but more of an acceptance, love and above all care. I have found in being an overweight person almost my whole life that hating myself and what I look like has got me nowhere and in fact has made my situation worse. In dark times of self hatred I have began to not care about myself and that is where things deteriorated both mentally and physically.

What I propose is that as a collective (in particular women but men are not excluded) we begin acceptance and re-focus our efforts on how we make ourselves feel and how we treat our bodies, trying to align with ourselves and our natural strengths rather than focussing on how weak, bad and wrong we think we might be. Positivity if shared can be an amazing travelling gift which I am hoping to pass on to you today in writing this blog

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My journey to finding myself beautiful has meant changes but not the changes I always thought they would be such as weight loss, hair removal, permanent make-up or keeping the perfect beauty regime. It has been a change within me to accept what I am and decide to care for it and love it, stop telling it that it looks wrong, stop thinking it is bad and stop using it as an excuse not to enjoy my life to it’s absolute fullest.

 I wanted to write this particular blog to emphasis the strength of accepting your body and yourself as they are, because as I have witnessed first hand within myself, it is only after that acceptance that you can start to move on to truly be our best self. So if there is anything other than a spot of self indulgence you can take from this b post, please let it be this, don’t waste time hating your body and how you look, it’s not worth it, don’t let it stand in the way of anything you want to do, it might be hard and scary but you can honestly make a difference not only to yourself and your own life but those around you.

Let’s be brave together and please do feel free to use this post to start conversations with myself an others!

Hildy’s Health Adventure: Psychotherapy with The Good Nature Company. Let’s get physical!!!!

What a few weeks I have had! I don’t know about anyone else, but to me it always seems like you need copious amounts of time to be healthy. That is probably just me making excuses for myself but being busy always seems to impede my progress to being a healthy human being. The fact that I have terrible organisational skills when it comes to my personal life probably doesn’t help.

In my last post “Hildy’s Health Adventure: Psychotherapy with The Good Nature Company, what I’ve learnt so far.” I wrote about rewarding myself with food and how I had been advised by Julie my psychotherapist from The Good Nature Company to create another way to reward myself. She mentioned how prominent my inner child seems, as if that was a surprise to anyone, so suggested that a good way of keeping on top of rewarding myself without food would be to make a sticker chart! So that is exactly what I did. Now everyone who has seen this chart doesn’t really get it, basically because the chart doesn’t reward anything good in particular,  I use it to stick a sticker on when I feel like I have done something that deserves one. So for example if I get a good chunk of my to do list done for the day I would usually treat myself later that day to some crisps or something I would consider to be a treat, now I have my chart I have tried to exchange that for a sticker on my chart. I also have a section for being upset or sad, so if I’m having a bit of a bad day instead of drowning my sorrows in cake I will put a sticker in that section ( this section needs enlarged!).

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If I feel like the reward needs to be bigger than a sticker I have written some other bigger rewards on the back of my chart which I can dish out to myself where/when I feel I need to! I have definitely treated myself with quite a few small treats already and one or two medium treats too! I hadn’t realised it until writing this piece but this also shows you all how un-rock ‘n’ roll  my life is. Yes Gardening is a treat! One of the fall backs of this chart is that in no way does putting a sticker on a chart feel as good as eating cake, I think getting used to that change will be very hard, which is why I have been dishing out the small treats from the back of my chart like there is no tomorrow.

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One of the issues I have really struggled with in this reward swap is time. I don’t know about anyone else, but eating a packet of crisps for me takes no time whereas most of the non-food treats I have thought of and put into practice tend to take up a lot more time. I already struggle with not having enough time in the day as it is, so with these little things on top of that has taken it’s toll on my work load and I really can’t say they are as convenient as cake. This is something I suppose I just need to make time for and accept but over the past couple of weeks been so busy that I have still used food as a reward.

I know that this is not going to be an overnight change, the temptation is high and the rewards at the moment don’t quite fill the gaps of the old ones (food). I have rewarded myself with food since creating the chart, I know that this habit is so ingrained inm e it will take a long time and lot’s of effort to make the shift.

But I’m working on it and have tried to at least do half and half over the past couple of very busy weeks. Let’s see if I can keep it up!

Anyone reading this in the same position as me I would really suggest giving this a go it certainly gives you a better idea of when/where and why you reward yourself with food.

If you would prefer to get some more in-depth bespoke advice get in touch with Julie by visiting THE GOOD NATURE COMPANY website HERE.29244351_193565954753070_5659912579888185344_n

Hildy’s Health Adventure: Psychotherapy with The Good Nature Company, what I’ve learnt so far.

Well the past few weeks have been an interesting few! I have been seeing Julie a psychotherapist from The Good Nature Company. (If you want to catch up then visit my previous blog HERE). Our first session was great we discussed lot’s, mostly about me, and got to know each other a little bit better. I was expecting these sessions to be quite emotionally charged with me being such an emotional person, but somehow I was calm and collected. Speaking to someone like Julie was kind of like seeing myself from an outside perspective which was quite refreshing. I often get bogged down in the should have, would have, could have scenario and I think addressing my issues from the root cause is what is going to help me accept myself further. From all of the soul searching i have done over the past year or too I know that eating healthily and exercising just isn’t  enough! I don’t just have a fat body, I have a fat brain! If I can’t accept my fat self how am I ever going to A/get to a healthy weight and B/ accept myself when I get there. Won’t I just want more and more and the acceptance will never be there? 

In this first session we set some, I’m going to call them “Goals of Discovery”, meaning certain things I wanted to find out and understand about me/yself. As I have discussed in previous blogs, I am an emotional eater and it’s not just when I’m sad or upset, but when I’m happy, when I have achieved something etc. I use food as a reward. If I have had a really good day I feel I deserve something “delicious” and if I have a terrible day or something bad happens or I’m just generally feeling a bit sad or out of sorts I think something “delicious” will cheer me up. Which is why I am on a mission to break this cycle and finally start moving forward with a healthier way of thinking about food. 

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Baby Hildy age 4

 

Julie and I discussed a lot about my family, who else had weight problems and where/when these emotional eating habits started to kick in. We worked through from being a very small child to my teenage years. We discussed life events and why these habits may have come into my way of coping. We also decided that I have a very strong inner child which came as no surprise to me. We got talking about how my inner child is basically my emotions and my adult self is my practical mind. My emotions need acknowledged they can not be ignored and when they are not satisfied they throw a tantrum and end up being all controlling.  What I need to do is satisfy both and find a balance between them in order to take complete control responsibility for myself or “Own It” as the kids say. 

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Baby Hildy age 3

So I was given a bit of homework to start weaning myself off rewarding with food and satisfying the creative child within (and out) by making an amazing sticker chart with small and large rewards for achievements and emotions I would usually cope with or reward with food.  

I can’t wait to get started!

Hildy’s Health Adventure: Psychotherapy, exploring my mental health.

with The Good Nature Company

I know I have been slightly quiet for a while, but it is mainly because I have really had to delve inside myself over the past few weeks and that can take it’s toll mentally which hasn’t left much time for blogging at the same time which I really never expected to happen. I felt like I needed some time to come to terms with what at the moment feels like a rather large job ahead!

There are a few issues which I just need to put my whole heart and mind into solving, which I will tell you all about later.

But for now here is an introduction to the lovely Julie from The Good Nature Company who will be giving me some Psychotherapy sessions we will be looking at the reasons I have emotional eating patterns and how I can take control of that.

Here is a little video from our first session and an introduction to what we will be exploring over the coming weeks.

 

Hildy’s Health Adventure: KW Fitness 13 day Kick Start to Fitness and a bit of an epiphany!

Today I started the first of thirteen days of fitness videos by KW fitness. They are designed to give you a kick start into a manageable regime by giving you a step by step or rather day by day guide to an all over body workout. Today I will be starting day one which is based around legs.

I also had a bit of an experience this weekend. Talking openly about my true feelings around food, emotional eating, food obsession and being overweight is something I have always struggled with. Yes I joke about it tonnes and talk about it, but very rarely in a true and completely honest way. This weekend I did that, and not only did I do it, I chatted about it to a room full of people who have no idea what it is like to be like this none of these people had ever been overweight.

Take a look at the Vlog for more!

Want to find out more about KW Fitness Visit the FB Page HERE.

If you would like to try out KW Fitness’s 13 Day Kick Start To Fitness Click HERE

Hildys Health Adventure: Post 3rd Hypnosis Session

Well I have had a fantastic week since my final hypnosis session. The bodily reaction will probably be slower than you all might like but to me this really is a good thing. It means that this is a life change that is very much do-able. It’s not a quick fix I am after, I don’t just want to lose a few pounds to fit into a dress I like. I really want to change my life! I want to look after my body and mind to the best of my ability and have the control and strength to that. I have not denied myself this week, I have simply tried to make better decisions and I very much believe the hypnotherapy sessions I have been receiving from Hummingbird Mind Therapy have been an integral part of me being able to gain that self control I have so long needed.

Here is a little vlog on how I have been feeling and how the final session (for now) went. 

Hildy’s Health Adventure:Post Second Hypnosis Session.

My life has been slightly chaotic over the past two weeks. I have been working hard and playing harder than usual too. So I wasn’t exactly sure how this week would pan out.

After my second session with silvia last Wednesday I really had quite a different experience/feeling after being under hypnosis. The first time I felt super strong and motivated after our first session but the feeling subsided after a few days and I ended up having a big cheat day. This time I had a much more subtle reaction. It is still a positive but much more stable feeling and it’s very much stayed with me the full week.

So here is a little vlog about how I have been feeling this week.

 

Hildy’s Health Adventure: Hypnosis with HUMMINGBIRD Mind Therapy.

I have been having a bit of a life overhaul of late. Trying to figure out how I can make everything work together, work-life-money balance is something that I have always struggled with as an adult. Because I am so passionate about my work it seems to often take over my life and at the moment the ‘sitting in front of my laptop’ side of things has really had a negative effect on me. I have been stuck doing so much admin and social media trying to get Dance Culture North East up and running that I have hardly had time to train and be the physical person that I once was. Over the past few months I have realised how much this has made me unhappy with my body and that is now effecting my confidence as a performer. It can’t be good for my health either. 

So I have decided to set myself a little quest over the next four months I will endeavour to change my bad habits and lead a healthier life. Not just looking at diet and fitness, but delving into my mind to discover how I can make realistic and positive changes that will stick. “But Hildy” I hear you cry “I thought you were a body positivity promoter and believe that you don’t have to be skinny etc to be happy”. Well, yes I do believe that, but when you aren’t looking after yourself  properly and your health, both mental and physical is effected it’s really time to make changes! I didn’t want to be alone on this journey, so I thought I would blog about it and bring you all along for what I’m sure will be a bit of a roller coaster ride! Over the next four months (May-August) I will be exploring different therapies, workouts, nutritional advice, classes and workshops to try and find my work-life balance and generally improve my health, happiness and wellbeing.  

Hypnosis with HUMMINGBIRD Mind Therapy

I Began my journey on 1st May with a session at Humming bird Mind Therapy . I opted for the Wellbeing Package which consists of three sessions that I will be attending weekly. I must admit my main aim for these sessions are some self control where food is concerned, I want my diet to give me more energy setting me up for those really busy weeks, address some confidence issues as well as break some really bad (hard to banish) emotional eating habits to gain some self control and strength. 

Before we started my first session we did a short video to introduce what Hypnosis is all about! Want to know how it all went and if it worked? Come back on MONDAY to find out………..

 

Happy 2018!

Image by Michael Ash

A belated happy new year to you all!

So another year has begun and boy what a year we leave behind! A year that a lot of people are glad to see the back of where politics and international and national happenings are concerned. Not a great year for a lot of reasons.

However as you may have noticed I am ever the optimist and for me 2017 has had it’s ups and downs but I can’t help leaving it feeling proud, positive and hopeful for the year ahead. 2017 was my first year as a fully self-employed artist and I feel proud that I made it this far and have actually lived to tell the tale.

I’ve done so many fun jobs around the country and each one has taught me something new, built up my confidence and given me the inspiration to plough on through.

As I haven’t blogged for a while so I have lots to share with you all. I will begin with this little experiment. I used my mobile phone to make a very short film about a day in the life of a dancer, it’s a bit of a slice from my inner thoughts and feelings too as I don’t really have a single day that is the same.

Here it is enjoy!

Alphabetti: an amazing night of experimental theatre

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This really isn’t a review as such but I just wanted to mention how excited I was to finally hit this venue last night to see some new work by North East Artists.

I have been a very busy bee of late, starting up my new blog Dance Culture North East and am really making a big push to get to know lots of venues and people on the theatre scene in Newcastle Upon Tyne/Gateshead where I live and the rest of the North East.

I have been hearing great things since this small new theatre popped up in the basement of an old building just off Blackett Street in Central Newcastle and I thought “oow I must go there”. However through my own busy-ness/laziness I never did manage to make it to the original Alphabetti Theatre Venue, Unfortunately/Fortunately I don’t know which they would prefer me to say, the building within which they were housed was marked for demolition and knocked down along with the tearing down of the old Odeon (don’t get me started I still feel very sad about that). With much hard work and determination I’m sure, Alphabetti picked itself up, brushed itself off and found an amazing venue on ST James Boulevard close to a few other cool venues (Tyne Opera Theatre, Boulevards and Dance City) Is this area set to be our new place for a community of theatre venues in Newcastle? Maybe it could be?

Anyway I had heard about the new venue and had been watching the progress with bated breath on Facebook and Instagram, until finally this Autumn the doors opened and I attended my very first performance of ‘Write Faster’ which was definitely worth the wait.

 

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(Above: The georgous Rex resident pooch at Alphabetti helping out)

Write Faster is a concept devised by Alphabetti Theatre’s Founder Ali Pritchard and Richard Stockwell. It involves 3 writers, 3 actors, a typewriter, pens, paper a laptop and a whole lot of hilarity in this particular case. The writers basically have to write a play on the night of the play, As I walked in the three writers were already heavily in the swing of writing the first act and you could sit and watch them writing on the laptop screen which was projected onto the wall. Once the first act was written the performers came in and performed it (script in hand and amazingly well under the circumstances) and as they performed the second and third act were written, after what I think was the third act there was a short interval and the ends were tied up with a monologue for each character/performer. The performances were superb and the writing was completely engaging too somehow even though nobody really knew what was going on until it was happening it gelled together well and gave the audience a fantastic night of giggles mystery and crime!

So a huge thumbs up to Alphabetti Theatre and no doubt as they make superb vegan sweet treats and the café/bar is open during the day too, I shall be back for theatre and probably cake and coffee as well.

Hildy x